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(270) Not only did I hold your hair bak as you puked, I french braided it. I am such a great friend.
(314): no ping pong balls so we’re playing beer pong with an ornament. you can’t tell me that’s not festive.
(717): I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine…
(210): I’m bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
(505): i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you’ve gotten fat.
(916): Don’t bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
(919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
(612): What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex… Can I get a ride home?
(901): guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
(901): Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning… why r guys so tacky?